I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
