working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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