My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My dick has a subreddit
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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