Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
