Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
