I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
