i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
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