I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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