you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
