I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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