did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
