I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
