you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
