I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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