hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
