i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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