I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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