I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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