dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
