This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
