Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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