if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
