Your mouth is God's brothel.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
