Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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