I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
