and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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