i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
