This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
