she smelled like a LAN party
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
