Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
