If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
