so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
