no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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