In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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