Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
