I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
