I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
