Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
