My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
