I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You're earring is so big in my mouth
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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