i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
