The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Randomize
