grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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