And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
