I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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