i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
