Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
