Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
