my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
