I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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