She announced her abortion via fbk
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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