Moan for me like Helen Keller
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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